I Know, It’s Only Rock and Roll, But If I Hear Another Second Life DJ Play “Pokerface” By Lady GaGa, I’m Gonna Smack Someone

!!!!!Video Reenactment Of Every DJ on Second Life, CLICK TO WATCH!!!!!!!

You know the story. You are quietly building in your skybox and that little blue box appears on your screen, upper right-hand corner. You X out of it, only to have another one appear 3 seconds later. Your friends miss you, and they are summoning you to some Second Life “club” where you can stand around spamming gestures and listening to whatever Second Life DJ considers to be a “great set.”

I’m here to tell you kids, it ain’t gonna be great.

I’m OLD, people. No, I’m not gonna tell you exactly how old but let’s just say I have a mortgage, a white picket fence, and a gardener. In real life I enjoy reading the New York Time’s Sunday magazine and I recently started drinking juice made from wheat grass. Back in the day (Yeah, go wayyyyy back) we had these amazing places called RECORD STORES. And it was a BIG FREAKEN’ DEAL to spend a Saturday afternoon in the record store, digging around the import section to find some rare EP your favourite band had released in Japan, buying the latest issue of Flipside. In these magical places called record stores, independently owned, reeking of incense and clove cigarettes, the walls decorated with band posters from Coop and Kozik , there was always one type of guy who worked there. And it was almost always a guy, and not a woman. This guy was a failed musician. In his ratty Converse and flannel shirt, terribly ironic black rimmed glasses and floppy hair, this guy once opened for Soul Asylum in 1989 and will happily bore anyone with the details of it for the next three hours. He is usually a bass player. This same sort of guy is depicted in Nick Hornby’s amazing brilliant 1996 novel High Fidelity, the disgruntled, hipper-than-thou record store clerk who thinks he knows more about music than anyone of us and “mostly young men – who spend all their time looking for deleted Smith singles and original, not re released – underlined – Frank Zappa albums.”

This same guy is like the majority of Second Life DJs.

Because they rent a stream and have iTunes downloaded, or they pirate music from other sources, or they scavenge Myspace for music, they are here to entertain you in whatever Second Life venue you happen to be at. But they won’t. The majority of Second Life DJs suck it.

Why? Allow me to break it down for you.

1: They DJ the dreaded THEME SETS. And they take it VERY seriously. No matter how boring or mundane listening to the same genre of music for two hours is, if you message them with a request for something that falls outside this genre, they will NOT play it. Because it is not THAT NIGHT. I went to a “club” where a DJ was spinning what was termed a GOTH night. I politely messaged him with a request to play some Old Dirty Bastard. He informed me that he could not, because it was GOTH night and my request was not a GOTH song. Um, excuse me? Is there anything MORE “goth” than a dead black crackhead who left behind 13 children? That bloated, cottage-cheese faced Robert Smith WISHES he had that kinda street cred.

2: They have SET-LISTS. And these set lists cannot be broken, because they have spent the last week carefully choosing their songs to correlate perfectly to one another into the most not-fun, not-cool thirty-six song jerk-off fest to whatever they think is GOOD music. These are the same types of DJ’s who have DJ groups on SL and also send you a T-shirt to your inventory with their name on it. Who wears these things anyway? Like I need a souvenir to remind me I never need to hear you play The Black Eyed Peas remixed with AC/DC again?

3: They truly know nothing about music. Try it. Ask any of these DJ’s to play a Muddy Waters song and watch, they will tell you “I do not have that.” Never, ever trust a DJ who does not have a Muddy Waters song downloaded to his music. Or Slim Harpo. Or Smokey Robinson. I don’t care how “indie” you are. I don’t care that you have seen Wolf Parade ten times or you have been to Lollapalooza for the last six years or you are “friends” with Animal Collective on Myspace. If you don’t have a Bo Diddley song in your collection, get the hell out of my yard.

Now, this being said, there ARE some decent DJs around in Second Life. They add and subtract songs from their playlist depending on how their audience is reacting. They happily play requests for people. They talk on mic rarely, and when they do they are funny and charming and make you happy you decided to take that teleport. One of these DJs is the always-in-demand Niko Lyle. I caught up with Niko (Stalked him) via IM and asked him his take on this issue.

[18:50] Gattina Dumpling: so tell me Niko, why do so many SL DJs suck it?
[18:51] Niko Lyle: I don’t think it has to do so much with them sucking at it.
[18:51] Niko Lyle: It is more that a lot of djs either have a small library or only play for themselves
[18:52] Niko Lyle: i think most djs forget that they are playing for an audience and don’t bother to work along with them while playing what they like
[18:52] Niko Lyle: or introducing their crowds to anything new
[18:54] Gattina Dumpling: and why don’t you suck it? Because you don’t.
[18:55] Niko Lyle: well i still constantly think i can get better
[18:55] Niko Lyle: i never think i am a great dj
[18:55] Niko Lyle: getting better but not great.

That Niko, so wordy. And modest. I highly suggest catching one of his sets in world. And if you are a DJ that does not suck, please feel free to teleport me so I can check out your set. I promise to try and make it.

Or at the very least, feel kinda bad when I cancel out of your teleport request.

That Niko is such a good DJ, he even pretends to look for music on SL

That Niko is such a good SL DJ, he even pretends to look for new music on Second Life.

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